Coward

I keep hearing me say that to my self in my head.

"Just do it."
"Say it."
"Get it over with."
"You'll feel better."

I'm sick of it.

I just wish I had the guts to do something.. to say anything.

I'm just going to loathe in some of my self hate.

Ugh.. Feelings

Lately.. I keep feeling a little sad and having strange dreams. At first I thought it was because I miss everyone from school now that I'm home. While I still think that is one of the reasons, I can't help but feel like it isn't the only reason.

I think I am suffering from loneliness and fear...

You see, the boy that I have feelings for went back to his home country. However, this is not such a big problem for me at the moment because I will be seeing him next month. My problem is that we never discussed our relationship.

Towards the beginning, we had a talk about it. I told him that.. I wanted to try to continue our relationship even though I know it would be difficult. He told me that he wanted to think about it (there's a lot of detail behind that which I won't get in to).

Now.. I don't know what to think. I'm not sure if we are together still or not. I'm so terrified to bring up the subject, but I know I have to soon.

However, I am also afraid that I will ruin our relationship. He told me that after he breaks up with a girl, he doesn't talk to them anymore. I don't want that to happen...

I'll understand if he doesn't want to continue to date me... although, I will be quite hurt by it.

But, I guess for me, I would rather have a relationship than nothing at all (and I don't mean a romantic relationship, just a close relationship...someone I can call a good friend).

I just want to know how he feels. I want to stop worrying about what he is doing or what he thinks of me.

Jeez... I must be so annoying.

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I won't give Zach Braff one dime


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Relationships

Lately, I just have the feeling that I'm not really wanted by my "lover". I think it's because of a cultural boundary that I still don't quite understand. I know that I should try harder, but it's very difficult.

I know I'm not the prettiest, smartest, or sweetest girl that exists, but sometimes I wish that I was treated in that manner by someone.

I think I always have the feeling that I'm not good enough to actually be someone's girlfriend...

My last relationship and the one I have now both have the conflict of distance. However, part of me feelings like it might be deeper than that. Sometimes, I feel like my partner is embarrassed of me.

"Oh. I can't let people know I'm dating that American girl. She's not as skinny and her actions are different from what my culture is use to. I like her, but I don't think people should know."

Maybe it's just me thinking too much about the situation, but I can't help that it hurts.

Lately, my only thoughts on my relationship now are "he's going to end it as soon as he goes back home."

I know long distance relationships are difficult and they are work... but I want to try. I want to make it work. But I don't think that he does. Maybe it's because we don't like each other in the same way. Maybe he would just rather have a girl from his culture.

I can't help but become jealous when he talks to girls from his country... or even just other girls. I feel like he treats them differently from me. Like... he wants to talk to them or invites them to things, but when it comes to me... I'm only in those things when it's just the two of us... otherwise it is bad to have me around.

Maybe I just need to understand better, but this has been on my mind a lot lately. It's eating me up a little.

Although it's terrible... I'll probably just continue thinking that I'm not good enough.

High School Days

I probably shouldn't be writing this right now since I am both sleepy and desperately need to study for a Java final tomorrow. However, my mind needs a bit of a break, so why not blog?

High School. I shouldn't be concerned with that part of my past, but it doesn't seem to pop up sometimes.

I didn't have a particularly great high school experience. I had a lot of problems with my friends and a girl who still sees me as her "rival" or "mortal enemy". Hence, I had a relationship with a guy that I was not extremely fond of for the fear that I would be alone. I didn't actually realize this until I came to college and develop a wider range of friends.

Since I don't have fond memories of my high school days, I'm always surprised when someone kind of... shows up?

Yesterday, I became a member of Quora. The reason for this was that my boyfriend told me that I should ask a question on it (I was having some difficulties with Java and my current project).

A few minutes ago, I received an email saying that someone was following me on there. It turned out to be someone from my high school. It..really surprised me.

I always felt that he didn't like me very much. He never really talked to me even though we were both in the percussion section of band and he was in several (if not all) of my classes during senior year.

At times like these... I have to ask why? Why would you add me?

You never talked to me or seemed to want to get to know me... so why?

I'm not being mean or angry about it. I just... don't understand. In my opinion, I'm not interesting or extremely smart. I'm not beautiful or confident. To me, there is no reason for people I knew in high school to care about my existence anymore...

Maybe it's strange of me to say this, but I've felt this way for awhile and now used it as an excuse to get this feeling off of my mind.

Perhaps I am making too much out of it though. It was probably just by accident.

It's Time For A Rant

Well.. sort of.

It's more like I am complaining (and sad) at the fact that apparently my friend is upset with me.

Why?

Because I haven't been staying at the house very much.

You see, I live in a campus house with 8 other girls. That's fine and all, but I'm not really there anyways. I really am only there to eat and sleep. I hate studying there because there isn't enough room and I feel like I get distracted fairly easily. To amend this problem, I go to the Union to study, which is just a place where lots of people go to study, eat, or hang out with others.

It was here that I met my current... lover? Boyfriend? I'm not sure what we are at the moment since he is not from this country, so I'm not sure what the status of our relationship will be when he goes back.

Instead of living on campus, he lives in a house that's maybe 5 blocks away from the school. Since I have started dating him (and especially now since he is leaving soon), I have been going to his house a lot. I'm actually at his house now.

Anyways, one of my good friends is my roommate. We spend some time together, but it is difficult because we are both busy. Lately, I have been sick, so I have been trying to stay at home as much as possible. My friend, though, had seemed like she was angry with me. She kind of stopped talking to me and was giving me the cold shoulder.

I found out today that apparently she is angry with me because I am not at the house very much. To be honest, I'm sad about it. Mostly because she was talking about it with a lot of people, not just a few.

Personally, I don't know why she is mad. The only time I am ever home is at night, so all I do, really, is sleep.

Plus, when we came back from Japan, she was acting really angry with me. I didn't know why, so I just backed off from her. Later on, in the next couple of days, I saw her Tumblr post. She complained that someone should stop trying to be like her and become their own person.

Immediately, I felt like she was talking about me. She had to of... who else could she have been talking about?

After I read this, I decided that keeping my Tumblr to see these types of posts was not worth it. Hence, I deleted my Tumblr. I made a new one, thinking I could jump back into it, but now I don't want to be on Tumblr.

Actually, the new one that I made, my friend found it and started following me on it. I have only posted on thing on it and I don't think I will ever use it again.

I guess part of me doesn't understand what I have done wrong. I just wanted to be with someone. Often times, I feel like she doesn't really want me around anyways or that she doesn't value our friendship as much as she does her friendships with other people.

I guess I feel kind of intimated and pushed out, so I just don't want to try so hard.

I'm really upset about this whole situation. I hate confrontation, so I probably won't ask her about it. I guess she can be mad at me for these next few days. I don't really care right now... I'm still upset with the fact that she didn't have concern for my feelings the day when I kept crying.

Maybe it doesn't matter? I'm not sure anymore....

Different... but the Same

I cannot say that in my entire life that I have been interested in culture... but saying that would also be a lie.

I have always loved learning new things and meeting new people. I think that it is extremely important to understand all the different people in the world.

Everyone has a different culture and their own background; everyone has a story to tell; everyone has something that they are passionate about. All of these things are so important and we all need to learn to understand each other.

Since I have been at my university, I realized how important culture is. It makes us who we are; it decides what words, what mannerisms, and what actions and levels of physicality we have with other people.

I don't think I ever realized how much I have been exposed. I always thought that the people I have met are the same as me.

I guess, in a way, that is true.

After watching this video, which includes my せんせい, as well as some of my friends, I could not help but to cry. The message is so important. We all need to be exposed to the differences in the world. I cannot say how grateful I am to have met all of the people who are in my life. They all mean the world to me...

みなさん。。。とってもさみし。。。

We are all different... but we are all the same.

Please Watch....

Being Comfortable

Everyone has people or a situation that they are comfortable with, whether it is friends or doing a certain activity, we know how we feel about it.

However, we are all put into situations where we don't like the people we are around or feel very uncomfortable with the situation. Some people are very good at handling these situations.

And then... there are people like me.

I know I am very bad at it. My mannerisms completely change when I am around people I don't really enjoy. Many people, I think, know if I do not like them. I will just stare at something else rather than the person when I am talking to them. I also am very short; I don't like to elaborate on my feelings about something. I will only say something like, "Okay" or "Yeah".

Apparently, I am have hurt someone's feelings in my house. I live in a campus house, but I only get along with two people that live here. I've had a lot of issues with my housemates and I am looking forward to the campus house I will live in next year.

Although I don't get along with most of the girls here (there are a total of 9), I don't want to be rude to them. My friend, and also my roommate, told me I was, basically, a bitch to one of the girls the other day.

I could say it was because I was stressed out (I had two tests to study for) and I felt like I had too many things to do, but I feel like that just might be an excuse. I am so bad with dealing with people that I don't like very much or that I don't know very well.

I think I need to learn how to fix it. It's not a good practice to have. I just want to be civil with everyone. As it goes, you never know who you may have to deal with in the future. It is better to treat everyone in a civilized manner rather than show how you feel about them (unless the situation calls for it, of course).

I hope I can learn to change and any advice on the situation would be welcome.

I just want to be a good person...

Friends

Sometimes, I can't believe the types of friendships I've gained. It's almost amazing to see how your friendship with a person has progressed over time. I guess I just want to take time to appreciate one friend I have.

My college has many foreign exchange students. It is such a large community of cultures working together and forming bonds. It's not like before I came to college I had never met someone from another country. I think that is almost impossible to do in the United States, and if you have, you must not get out much.

Anyways, I have never met anyone who was Japanese. Of course, in high school, I was that person who loved anime and wore cosplay. I'm not ashamed of it because, over all, it made me find things (and people) that I love today.

My college has a very good Japanese program (I talked about Japanese in my last post), so there are a good number of students from Japan. Last year was my freshman year and I remember I was really worried about not making any friends.

It was the first week of school, but all the freshman came early before any of the upperclassmen. On this day, there was an event where they had lots of games in the center strip of the school. I remember I had finished unpacking and thought "I need to go... I need to meet some people and hopefully become friends with them." I will never regret this decision.

I ended up seeing a guy that I sat next to during one of our orientations. He was really nice, so I sat down to talk to him. At one point, this guy comes up to me and introduces himself. I was so surprised because he told me he was from Japan. Actually, I was so nervous that I didn't catch his name. I just nodded and then tried not to feel so awkward.

My first thought was "he's cute", but I didn't focus on it. I ended up spending time with them and all of the other Japanese students that went to my school for that year. I didn't talk to them much.. I was very shy, but I talked to some of the Americans who were friends with them.

My school has a big thing for giving away free T-shirts. I don't know if you have ever gone to study abroad, but the first rule is not bring too many clothes, so a lot of these foreign exchange students don't have much to wear. They kept running for the shirts when they were shot out of that little cannon. I remember that the boy I thought was cute got two of them. They were exactly the same. Before he left for the night, he looked at me and said "Do you want one?" I kept saying "no, you need it more than me", but he said I should take it... so, I did. I like to think that is the beginning of our friendship.

I later learned his name, and actually, he has become one of my very good friends. We dated while he was here, but we broke up so that we could keep our friendship. I'm happy with the result.

Anyways, I love our relationship. We don't talk a lot because we're both very busy and the time change doesn't help much, but every time we talk, it's like nothing has changed. We laugh and joke with each other. I'm so happy I will get to see him soon...very soon. I feel bad for him cause I know I will cry when I see him.

In my mind, I find it amazing that the first Japanese person I ever met because such a great friend to me.

Of course, he is not the only great friend I have or the only Japanese person important to me, but I'm really happy that it started with him. He and my other friends have made me want to learn Japanese. I want to be closer with them and understand the cultural bounds and where they intersect.

Even though this was about my one friend, I just want to say... I love all of my friends. They make my life wonderful and I don't know what I would do without them. And, in case you were wondering, yes... I still have that T-shirt.

Teachers

Something that every person who has gone to school or has learned something from another human being has had a teacher. It's a very simple concept for us to grasp. We also understand the idea of a good teacher and a bad teacher. Of course, this sort of statement is based solely on perspective.

I am currently a sophomore at my university and, of course, in my short 20 years of life, I have dealt with teachers I have found amazing and teachers that I wished would disappear from my life altogether. However, when I feel this way, I sometimes get the vibe that most people agree with my opinion.. This is usually because we find the same things irritating.

However, today, I realized that the students in my Japanese class and I do NOT have the same view. We have a wonderful せんせい. He explains things well and wants his students to succeed. If you aren't doing well, he will try to find ways to make you learn the material. Personally, he is one of my favorite teachers and I appreciate all the work he puts in for my class.

Although all of these things are true, in my perspective, he is a very busy man. Therefore, he usually tries to find help. Starting with my first year Japanese class, we had a new system for teaching. We gained a student teacher currently aiming for her Master's in TESOL, I believe. In order for him to have more time to fit things in his busy schedule, he had her teach us in one of our two classes during the first semester.

To be honest, I love her. She is funny, smart, and makes you really work for the answer. She doesn't just give it to you. She also tries to get you to use more difficult structures. I really did appreciate her.

I, apparently, do not have the same views on her. Recently, I register for my classes. I want to add Japanese as my third major, but せんせい told me that I do not have to make a decision now, so I am just taking the Japanese courses for the moment. When I received my schedule, I saw that our TA, I guess you could say, is teaching us.

I was so excited. For second semester, we have only had せんせい as our instructor, which is great, don't get me wrong, but I missed her. I thought "this should be great! I'll get to see her more often and hopefully my Japanese will improve because of ways of teaching".

Today, I learned that... not everyone else in my class likes her. Two girls in my class seemed really disappointed. They said things like "I hope I can get over her teaching style" or "I hope she will teach better since she teaches the second year students now".

I wanted to say "she's better than our other TA". I KNOW, however, for a fact that everyone likes our second TA. Our second TA is actually American. She has been the only American, to my knowledge, that has been allowed to teach せんせい's class. She has only taught my class a few times though, and recently, I haven't seen her much.

Unlike most of my classmates... I didn't like it when she would teach us. I can't really explain it, but she.. rubs me the wrong way. I don't like her method of teaching, her voice is like nails on a chalk board, and I feel like she plays favorites (one of her best friends is a student).

I guess I was just... disappointed in these girl's opinion. Our Japanese TA tries really hard to teach us. I also think, that because she is younger, we can learn some more casual words in her class. I know that not everyone in the Japanese program is friends with Japanese people... so maybe it would be a good opportunity.

Maybe I am just biased, but I hope this all works out for the better...

TL;DR

• I think my Japanese TA is awesome, but some people think she sucks
• I think my American TA is awful, but most think she's awesome
• Maybe my opinions don't actually match everyone else's, but they are mine
• I hope next year goes well....

The Foot

I have never been the type of person to be graceful or have poise. In fact, it's mostly be the opposite. However, I have always kept myself from injuring myself too harshly. I guess April Fool's thought I should not have the luxury of saying this anymore.

Yesterday was like any other day. I had just come home and my friend/roommate wanted to go to the grocery store. Of course I needed to go as well because 1) I like food and 2) I like living. Also, being the forgetful person I am, I needed my wallet. I trudged up my stairs, grabbed my wallet, and descended down the stairs to head out the door and into the car.

The stairs, however, must have wanted to exact revenge from all the times I hit them with my feet or sat on their face with my buttocks. As I was walking down the last few steps, my ankle gave way and I fell forward. I didn't hit my face with the floor, but my foot took damage for it.

At first, it wasn't that bad. I thought it was just a little sprain... ya know, like normal people get sometimes (okay... maybe not normal... maybe just clumsy). I walked (read a limped) my way around the store and I was fine. However, when I got home, after I put up the groceries, I lied down on the couch to rest it.

That may have not been the best idea.

When my friends came back, I decided to go upstairs. I fell asleep for awhile, thinking maybe I would feel better when I woke up. My foot  actually hurt more than when I went to sleep! I thought I could still walk on it... It was a bad decision.

I let out a loud yelp when I tried to put pressure on it...

It's great because I get to miss class today! (That was sarcasm. I actually hate missing class because I feel like I'm missing something important.) Also, since the foot I twisted was my right foot, that means I can't drive.

Luckily, there is an amazing guy I can count on to take me there.

I just want to be able to walk, so I really hope nothing too serious is wrong with my foot.

April Fools

I have to say, I am fairly impressed with all of these ads I am seeing from companies.

Way to get into the spirit of April Fools.

However, I have to wonder who believes them and who doesn't. I also have to wonder if some of these things are real. What if it isn't actually an April Fool's joke?

If that is the case, then the joke is on me. Until I see them, however, I will continue to think of them as little pranks.

I don't think I will be able to think of any good ones though. We'll see how it goes.

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Hello There

My first attempt at this blog was not necessarily a good start. I tried to make a blog based off the the fact that I wanted to travel to South Korea. This is not a far off dream because one day I want to eventually go there, but I don't think I should make a blog for that purpose.

I don't really have much to say this first time around, so I guess I'll make it short.

I'm really just trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I think many times people think they have it all figured out when really... we just think we do. However, I do feel like I am starting on the right path. I have a better idea of the kind of life I want.

Maybe it's silly to be blogging about this at about 1 a.m., but maybe it's a good start for me.


I guess all I can say is... hello.