Coward

I keep hearing me say that to my self in my head.

"Just do it."
"Say it."
"Get it over with."
"You'll feel better."

I'm sick of it.

I just wish I had the guts to do something.. to say anything.

I'm just going to loathe in some of my self hate.

Ugh.. Feelings

Lately.. I keep feeling a little sad and having strange dreams. At first I thought it was because I miss everyone from school now that I'm home. While I still think that is one of the reasons, I can't help but feel like it isn't the only reason.

I think I am suffering from loneliness and fear...

You see, the boy that I have feelings for went back to his home country. However, this is not such a big problem for me at the moment because I will be seeing him next month. My problem is that we never discussed our relationship.

Towards the beginning, we had a talk about it. I told him that.. I wanted to try to continue our relationship even though I know it would be difficult. He told me that he wanted to think about it (there's a lot of detail behind that which I won't get in to).

Now.. I don't know what to think. I'm not sure if we are together still or not. I'm so terrified to bring up the subject, but I know I have to soon.

However, I am also afraid that I will ruin our relationship. He told me that after he breaks up with a girl, he doesn't talk to them anymore. I don't want that to happen...

I'll understand if he doesn't want to continue to date me... although, I will be quite hurt by it.

But, I guess for me, I would rather have a relationship than nothing at all (and I don't mean a romantic relationship, just a close relationship...someone I can call a good friend).

I just want to know how he feels. I want to stop worrying about what he is doing or what he thinks of me.

Jeez... I must be so annoying.

I won't give Zach Braff one dime

I won't give Zach Braff one dime


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I have heard of Kickstarter, but I never really looked into it or knew completely what it was about.

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We need to support this.

Relationships

Lately, I just have the feeling that I'm not really wanted by my "lover". I think it's because of a cultural boundary that I still don't quite understand. I know that I should try harder, but it's very difficult.

I know I'm not the prettiest, smartest, or sweetest girl that exists, but sometimes I wish that I was treated in that manner by someone.

I think I always have the feeling that I'm not good enough to actually be someone's girlfriend...

My last relationship and the one I have now both have the conflict of distance. However, part of me feelings like it might be deeper than that. Sometimes, I feel like my partner is embarrassed of me.

"Oh. I can't let people know I'm dating that American girl. She's not as skinny and her actions are different from what my culture is use to. I like her, but I don't think people should know."

Maybe it's just me thinking too much about the situation, but I can't help that it hurts.

Lately, my only thoughts on my relationship now are "he's going to end it as soon as he goes back home."

I know long distance relationships are difficult and they are work... but I want to try. I want to make it work. But I don't think that he does. Maybe it's because we don't like each other in the same way. Maybe he would just rather have a girl from his culture.

I can't help but become jealous when he talks to girls from his country... or even just other girls. I feel like he treats them differently from me. Like... he wants to talk to them or invites them to things, but when it comes to me... I'm only in those things when it's just the two of us... otherwise it is bad to have me around.

Maybe I just need to understand better, but this has been on my mind a lot lately. It's eating me up a little.

Although it's terrible... I'll probably just continue thinking that I'm not good enough.

High School Days

I probably shouldn't be writing this right now since I am both sleepy and desperately need to study for a Java final tomorrow. However, my mind needs a bit of a break, so why not blog?

High School. I shouldn't be concerned with that part of my past, but it doesn't seem to pop up sometimes.

I didn't have a particularly great high school experience. I had a lot of problems with my friends and a girl who still sees me as her "rival" or "mortal enemy". Hence, I had a relationship with a guy that I was not extremely fond of for the fear that I would be alone. I didn't actually realize this until I came to college and develop a wider range of friends.

Since I don't have fond memories of my high school days, I'm always surprised when someone kind of... shows up?

Yesterday, I became a member of Quora. The reason for this was that my boyfriend told me that I should ask a question on it (I was having some difficulties with Java and my current project).

A few minutes ago, I received an email saying that someone was following me on there. It turned out to be someone from my high school. It..really surprised me.

I always felt that he didn't like me very much. He never really talked to me even though we were both in the percussion section of band and he was in several (if not all) of my classes during senior year.

At times like these... I have to ask why? Why would you add me?

You never talked to me or seemed to want to get to know me... so why?

I'm not being mean or angry about it. I just... don't understand. In my opinion, I'm not interesting or extremely smart. I'm not beautiful or confident. To me, there is no reason for people I knew in high school to care about my existence anymore...

Maybe it's strange of me to say this, but I've felt this way for awhile and now used it as an excuse to get this feeling off of my mind.

Perhaps I am making too much out of it though. It was probably just by accident.

It's Time For A Rant

Well.. sort of.

It's more like I am complaining (and sad) at the fact that apparently my friend is upset with me.

Why?

Because I haven't been staying at the house very much.

You see, I live in a campus house with 8 other girls. That's fine and all, but I'm not really there anyways. I really am only there to eat and sleep. I hate studying there because there isn't enough room and I feel like I get distracted fairly easily. To amend this problem, I go to the Union to study, which is just a place where lots of people go to study, eat, or hang out with others.

It was here that I met my current... lover? Boyfriend? I'm not sure what we are at the moment since he is not from this country, so I'm not sure what the status of our relationship will be when he goes back.

Instead of living on campus, he lives in a house that's maybe 5 blocks away from the school. Since I have started dating him (and especially now since he is leaving soon), I have been going to his house a lot. I'm actually at his house now.

Anyways, one of my good friends is my roommate. We spend some time together, but it is difficult because we are both busy. Lately, I have been sick, so I have been trying to stay at home as much as possible. My friend, though, had seemed like she was angry with me. She kind of stopped talking to me and was giving me the cold shoulder.

I found out today that apparently she is angry with me because I am not at the house very much. To be honest, I'm sad about it. Mostly because she was talking about it with a lot of people, not just a few.

Personally, I don't know why she is mad. The only time I am ever home is at night, so all I do, really, is sleep.

Plus, when we came back from Japan, she was acting really angry with me. I didn't know why, so I just backed off from her. Later on, in the next couple of days, I saw her Tumblr post. She complained that someone should stop trying to be like her and become their own person.

Immediately, I felt like she was talking about me. She had to of... who else could she have been talking about?

After I read this, I decided that keeping my Tumblr to see these types of posts was not worth it. Hence, I deleted my Tumblr. I made a new one, thinking I could jump back into it, but now I don't want to be on Tumblr.

Actually, the new one that I made, my friend found it and started following me on it. I have only posted on thing on it and I don't think I will ever use it again.

I guess part of me doesn't understand what I have done wrong. I just wanted to be with someone. Often times, I feel like she doesn't really want me around anyways or that she doesn't value our friendship as much as she does her friendships with other people.

I guess I feel kind of intimated and pushed out, so I just don't want to try so hard.

I'm really upset about this whole situation. I hate confrontation, so I probably won't ask her about it. I guess she can be mad at me for these next few days. I don't really care right now... I'm still upset with the fact that she didn't have concern for my feelings the day when I kept crying.

Maybe it doesn't matter? I'm not sure anymore....

Different... but the Same

I cannot say that in my entire life that I have been interested in culture... but saying that would also be a lie.

I have always loved learning new things and meeting new people. I think that it is extremely important to understand all the different people in the world.

Everyone has a different culture and their own background; everyone has a story to tell; everyone has something that they are passionate about. All of these things are so important and we all need to learn to understand each other.

Since I have been at my university, I realized how important culture is. It makes us who we are; it decides what words, what mannerisms, and what actions and levels of physicality we have with other people.

I don't think I ever realized how much I have been exposed. I always thought that the people I have met are the same as me.

I guess, in a way, that is true.

After watching this video, which includes my せんせい, as well as some of my friends, I could not help but to cry. The message is so important. We all need to be exposed to the differences in the world. I cannot say how grateful I am to have met all of the people who are in my life. They all mean the world to me...

みなさん。。。とってもさみし。。。

We are all different... but we are all the same.

Please Watch....